i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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