god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
