i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
