Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
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