i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You're like the curious george of whores
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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