i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
