party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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