Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
