Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
