If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
