the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
