if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
and you said cock pushups were impossible
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
