I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
