you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
