I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
