I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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