how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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