we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
