why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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