i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
