Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
