dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
