I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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