Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
