well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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