So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
