cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
this is an emotional support booty call
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
