I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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