Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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