The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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