Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
