Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
