Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
