My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
