I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
