Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
