I just threw up on my dentist
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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