Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
