you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This is classic penis vs brain.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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