I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
