I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
please come you make the beer taste better
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
