Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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