so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
birth control should be required to get into college
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
