I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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