I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
