Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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