I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
