he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
