I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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