brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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