1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
