It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
