Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
