Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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