my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
