Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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