You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
