woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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