Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
