my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
