Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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