did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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