i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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