Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
